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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.